An Apology to Britney Spears

Here’s my dirty little secret. I have been a Britney-follower for years.

I say “Britney-follower” as opposed to a “Britney fan,” because I don’t actually own any of her albums or merchandise, save for a few songs I downloaded from iTunes to make a vacuous, ear-splitting, beat-pumping running mix. (Incidentally, there are lots of other truly awful songs on that mix that I would never listen to in my apartment, including Fergie’s “My Humps” and Justin Timberlake’s highly annoying “Sexyback.” Isn’t it amazing the things we will do to motivate ourselves to run? I mean, who’s kidding who here …the only really appropriate time to run is when you are being chased. At night. By a pack of rabid dogs. With guns. )

I have four Britney songs on my iPod, which cost me 99 cents each. This means that I have contributed a total of $3.96 to the “Britney Empire.” This would make me feel good about myself, were it not for the fact that I have probably contributed hundreds of dollars to the “Britney Machine.”

What’s the difference, you ask? Well, to my mind, the “Britney Empire” consists of the things that she herself has had some kind of hand in, no matter how ridiculous or contrived. There are the songs and videos on albums and DVD’s (obviously.) There is the merchandizing, which includes Britney dolls, Britney purses, Britney lunchboxes, Britney t-shirts, and of course, Britney perfume, which arguably makes more money than her music does. Despite this marketplace gorging, I have managed to keep my contribution to the “Brit-pire” at $3.96. (Technically, I suppose that I could be held responsible for any Pepsi product that I bought during the time of her endorsement, but let’s keep things simple, shall we?)

Sadly, I participated in the far more insidious side of the Britniverse – the “Britney Machine.” This is the moneymaking bonanza that is around her all of the time – with or without her consent. Three or four years ago I developed a hopeless addiction to celebrity magazines like “People” and “Us Weekly.” It was right around the time of Britney’s sudden Vegas wedding to her hometown pal Jason Alexander, and I found myself compelled to read about the fallout. As we all know, things got worse from there, and I wanted to read every word. The only justification I have for this pathetic behavior on my part is that I REALLY wanted (and still want) Britney to redeem herself.

I remember when she first came on the scene because I was teaching English and drama at a private girls’ school in Toronto. “Hit me Baby, One more Time” was catchy enough, and Britney has an undeniable star quality, but I was more interested in how she was being marketed to the world. The “sexiest, richest, small-town girl-next door” had a perverse appeal for kids and adults of both sexes, and there was a sudden tidal wave of press surrounding the 16 year old. At the time, however, I didn’t really think much about her personal life at all.

All of that changed for me when a journalist felt that it would be in the world’s best interest to ask Britney whether or not she would preserve her virginity until marriage. As a teacher of young women, I was outraged by both the question and the media furor it created. If an adult had asked me when I was 16 about my sexual status – a stranger, no less - I would have been MORTIFIED. Keep in mind that Britney was being carefully handled by a team of publicists and managers … and her mother … and they were probably all there at the time the question was asked. There is only one acceptable answer to that question if you are an American 16 year old – and Britney gave it. She would remain a virgin until she was married! Of course! Her public breathed a collective sigh of relief – the Southern belle with the sexy moves would remain untarnished.

Is it any wonder that Britney is the mess she is now? As a direct result of the marketing strategy that brought her to fame, she has swung wildly between “good girl” and “bad girl” stereotypes in recent years. She tried to satisfy the “be good” camp by becoming a wife and a young mother. The tabloids followed her ruthlessly, documenting every mistake ranging from downright offensive (driving with her baby in her lap) to downright human (tripping while she carried her baby in her arms.) The public didn’t respond well to “Married Britney,” so she became “Divorced-rehab-hopping-vagina-exposing Britney.” That didn’t go so well either. And with every day that passed, the paparazzi army around her grew.

And where was I? I was buying the magazines that paid the photographers around her. I was funding the stalkers that were diving onto the pavement, hoping for the coveted “upskirt” shot as Britney stepped out of her car. I was logging onto the insidious blogs like TMZ.com and perezhilton.com that reported all of her missteps with unabashed glee.

Britney, I am sorry. My interest in you lies largely in the fact that I feel that you have been treated unfairly, and I do hope that you work your life out. But I finally recognize the part that I have played in creating the circus that surrounds you. I promise that from now on I will show my support for you and your young children by ignoring you to the best of my ability. I’m sure that I will still hear about your exploits in one way or another, but I promise that I will no longer seek out any information about any part of your life.

I have been magazine free for a month, and I honestly feel better about myself. This isn’t just about Britney anymore. It’s about admitting that just because someone makes a public living it doesn’t give me the right to poke my nose into their business, even if their business has been neatly served up to me in a bright glossy package.

Can one person (me) make a difference? Probably not. But we should all reconsider how much time we spend on our celebrities, because we must be approaching some kind of pop culture critical mass. We talk about "responsible consumption" when we speak about the environment - maybe it's time to think about the "responsible consumption" of human beings. The Princess of Wales did not survive the constant media scrutiny around her, and I fear that the Princess of Pop may fare no better.