My friend Noel got married yesterday, and let me tell you, he did it right. Not only did he marry Maria, who could be the most adorable woman that is legally allowed to reside in the GTA, but the couple managed to avoid the pressure applied by a few friends and family members, and do the wedding their way. This involved an afternoon trip to City Hall and then an evening barbecue reception with 30 or so guests at their home. As the groom and several of his guests were musicians, the festivities wrapped up with a late-night jam session in the kitchen. It was a great night and, as far as I could tell, it was exactly the night that they wanted.
As I have watched friends and family get married over the years, I have seen that it can be very difficult to get the wedding that you want. My best friend, who got married 10 years ago, wanted to plan a tiny, inexpensive wedding in her mother's backyard. The backyard concept took (and was gorgeous!) but 90 people and $15,000 later, she was shaking her head and wondering what happened. Another friend of mine, after warring with her mother and future mother-in-law for months, threw up her hands, handed over the reins and told them that she would just pick a dress, show up on the day and find out what they had planned for her. How do these things get so out of control? Well, I'll give you my take on it.
(Note: my 2.1 readers are probably thinking right now; "Hey! You've never been married, Alison Hunter! What right do you have to spout off about this?" Well, I have three answers for you. One: I have been involved in several weddings - three as a maid of honour/bridesmaid and three as an Emcee, so I've got some chops. Two: Although it's true that I have never been married, I did come very close getting married a few years ago, when I suddenly came upon evidence, much to my surprise, that my fiance was a giant douche. You can watch a dramatic re-enactment of our relationship breakdown here. Three: It's my damn blog. I set it up expressly so that I could spout off about stuff I don't know much about. If you don't like it, get your own damn blog. Now, on to the observations.)
It has become very clear to me that the wedding industry as a whole hates people that are getting married, particularly brides. My best friend's caterer, while providing outstanding food, threw an absolute hissy fit and then pouted when my friend decided not to offer strawberry daiquiris as her "signature drink" at her reception (coincidentally, it was also the caterer's "signature drink.") Linda, another friend of mine, was planning a tiny, family only ceremony with a catered dinner afterwards. Wherever she turned, venues REFUSED to give her a price list until she specified whether or not it was dinner party or a wedding dinner party, so that they could give her the appropriately inflated price list. Attach the word "wedding" or "bridal" to any purchase, and the price immediately jumps by at least 50%. And, drawn to the gleaming engagement ring, predatory, salivating, salespeople scuttle out from under nearby rocks, trying to convince the masses that the "wedding" cake-cutters, photo albums, chairs and toothpicks are somehow better than their everyday counterparts.
But, and this might not sit well with some of you, even more than the wedding industry, family and friends seem to have even more ability to pervert and alter the wedding plans of the happy couple. From my observations, these disagreements can usually be broken down in two categories; tradition conflicts and guest list conflicts.
Tradition conflicts are probably the trickiest because they deal with cultural expectations and standards, as well as religious ceremony and significance. I get that, I really do. But I have seen more than a few couples grit their teeth through a religious ceremony that has no significance, or that they even find offensive, all in the quest to please their families. Families, I know it's difficult and that you want the best for your loved ones. But isn't the point of the marriage ceremony to be significant for the people getting married? They are the ones who are going to have to do the marital heavy lifting for (hopefully) the rest of their lives - so their ceremony should be meaningful to them.
As for the guest list conflicts, I must admit that I find this one a bit insane. I have several friends who have received some SERIOUS grief from people that they have left off of the guest list in an attempt to keep their weddings small and intimate. I mean, really people. Can't we just be cool about this? Weddings are expensive; according to Report on Business magazine the average Canadian wedding in 2007 cost $25,883. That amount is a very respectable down payment for a house! Or if you prefer something a little less practical, it's the cash equivalent of 359 bottles of Herradura Anejo Tequila (yum), 647 viewings of "Evil Dead, the Musical" (I'm actually well on my way to that number) or approximately 4 visits with your cat to a veterinarian (I wish that were a joke.) If you are close enough to the couple that you feel very strongly about their wedding, you can find another way to celebrate with them if need be. Don't kick up a fuss if you are not on the invitation list; show your support for the couple by ... I don't know ... maybe... supporting their decision? You shouldn't assume that, because you are not going to the wedding, they don't value you as a friend. Save those assumptions for 2 years into their marriage when they say things to you like "Umm ... don't take this the wrong way, but you've been on the couch eating our food and drinking our beer for 5 weeks ... how's about heading home now? "
I don't know if I'll ever say wedding vows myself, but today I am prepared to take some wedding-bystander vows here, publicly, in front of all of you.
Ahem.
I, Alison Hunter, take you, (insert engaged couple's names here) to be responsible adults who know exactly how you want your wedding to be without my unsolicited input. I honour and cherish your decisions, and promise to never throw a hissy fit or pout if you decide to keep your wedding small and intimate. I vow to make myself available to you if you need anything, and to get out of your way if you don't. If you do invite me to your wedding, I promise not to be one of those lame-o guests who comes and eats the dinner and doesn't bring a gift. In buying the gift, I will consult the registry list so that you don't end up with nine fondue sets. I also promise that if I am invited to your wedding that I will act appropriately and avoid the following common wedding misbehaviours: leaving my cell phone on so that it rings in the middle of the ceremony, clinking my glass if you have made a "no-clinking" rule, giving a speech about your ex boy/girlfriends, sobbing in the corner because I am still single or getting drinks all night from the open bar and leaving them, half drunk, all around the reception hall. You may now give me a high five.
Seriously though, I do feel incredibly flattered whenever I get invited to a wedding. I mean, think about it. A couple is making lifelong vows to each other, putting the foundation down to build a life and a family together ... and they think that my presence will make the day even better? That's pretty darn cool. So whether or not you get invited to a friend's wedding, just roll with it. It's all good. And it's all in the name of love, baby.
As I have watched friends and family get married over the years, I have seen that it can be very difficult to get the wedding that you want. My best friend, who got married 10 years ago, wanted to plan a tiny, inexpensive wedding in her mother's backyard. The backyard concept took (and was gorgeous!) but 90 people and $15,000 later, she was shaking her head and wondering what happened. Another friend of mine, after warring with her mother and future mother-in-law for months, threw up her hands, handed over the reins and told them that she would just pick a dress, show up on the day and find out what they had planned for her. How do these things get so out of control? Well, I'll give you my take on it.
(Note: my 2.1 readers are probably thinking right now; "Hey! You've never been married, Alison Hunter! What right do you have to spout off about this?" Well, I have three answers for you. One: I have been involved in several weddings - three as a maid of honour/bridesmaid and three as an Emcee, so I've got some chops. Two: Although it's true that I have never been married, I did come very close getting married a few years ago, when I suddenly came upon evidence, much to my surprise, that my fiance was a giant douche. You can watch a dramatic re-enactment of our relationship breakdown here. Three: It's my damn blog. I set it up expressly so that I could spout off about stuff I don't know much about. If you don't like it, get your own damn blog. Now, on to the observations.)
It has become very clear to me that the wedding industry as a whole hates people that are getting married, particularly brides. My best friend's caterer, while providing outstanding food, threw an absolute hissy fit and then pouted when my friend decided not to offer strawberry daiquiris as her "signature drink" at her reception (coincidentally, it was also the caterer's "signature drink.") Linda, another friend of mine, was planning a tiny, family only ceremony with a catered dinner afterwards. Wherever she turned, venues REFUSED to give her a price list until she specified whether or not it was dinner party or a wedding dinner party, so that they could give her the appropriately inflated price list. Attach the word "wedding" or "bridal" to any purchase, and the price immediately jumps by at least 50%. And, drawn to the gleaming engagement ring, predatory, salivating, salespeople scuttle out from under nearby rocks, trying to convince the masses that the "wedding" cake-cutters, photo albums, chairs and toothpicks are somehow better than their everyday counterparts.
But, and this might not sit well with some of you, even more than the wedding industry, family and friends seem to have even more ability to pervert and alter the wedding plans of the happy couple. From my observations, these disagreements can usually be broken down in two categories; tradition conflicts and guest list conflicts.
Tradition conflicts are probably the trickiest because they deal with cultural expectations and standards, as well as religious ceremony and significance. I get that, I really do. But I have seen more than a few couples grit their teeth through a religious ceremony that has no significance, or that they even find offensive, all in the quest to please their families. Families, I know it's difficult and that you want the best for your loved ones. But isn't the point of the marriage ceremony to be significant for the people getting married? They are the ones who are going to have to do the marital heavy lifting for (hopefully) the rest of their lives - so their ceremony should be meaningful to them.
As for the guest list conflicts, I must admit that I find this one a bit insane. I have several friends who have received some SERIOUS grief from people that they have left off of the guest list in an attempt to keep their weddings small and intimate. I mean, really people. Can't we just be cool about this? Weddings are expensive; according to Report on Business magazine the average Canadian wedding in 2007 cost $25,883. That amount is a very respectable down payment for a house! Or if you prefer something a little less practical, it's the cash equivalent of 359 bottles of Herradura Anejo Tequila (yum), 647 viewings of "Evil Dead, the Musical" (I'm actually well on my way to that number) or approximately 4 visits with your cat to a veterinarian (I wish that were a joke.) If you are close enough to the couple that you feel very strongly about their wedding, you can find another way to celebrate with them if need be. Don't kick up a fuss if you are not on the invitation list; show your support for the couple by ... I don't know ... maybe... supporting their decision? You shouldn't assume that, because you are not going to the wedding, they don't value you as a friend. Save those assumptions for 2 years into their marriage when they say things to you like "Umm ... don't take this the wrong way, but you've been on the couch eating our food and drinking our beer for 5 weeks ... how's about heading home now? "
I don't know if I'll ever say wedding vows myself, but today I am prepared to take some wedding-bystander vows here, publicly, in front of all of you.
Ahem.
I, Alison Hunter, take you, (insert engaged couple's names here) to be responsible adults who know exactly how you want your wedding to be without my unsolicited input. I honour and cherish your decisions, and promise to never throw a hissy fit or pout if you decide to keep your wedding small and intimate. I vow to make myself available to you if you need anything, and to get out of your way if you don't. If you do invite me to your wedding, I promise not to be one of those lame-o guests who comes and eats the dinner and doesn't bring a gift. In buying the gift, I will consult the registry list so that you don't end up with nine fondue sets. I also promise that if I am invited to your wedding that I will act appropriately and avoid the following common wedding misbehaviours: leaving my cell phone on so that it rings in the middle of the ceremony, clinking my glass if you have made a "no-clinking" rule, giving a speech about your ex boy/girlfriends, sobbing in the corner because I am still single or getting drinks all night from the open bar and leaving them, half drunk, all around the reception hall. You may now give me a high five.
Seriously though, I do feel incredibly flattered whenever I get invited to a wedding. I mean, think about it. A couple is making lifelong vows to each other, putting the foundation down to build a life and a family together ... and they think that my presence will make the day even better? That's pretty darn cool. So whether or not you get invited to a friend's wedding, just roll with it. It's all good. And it's all in the name of love, baby.
Awesome. You should leave this blog behind a write a column for something-or-other.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, don't underestimate the extent to which the brides and grooms themselves go insane. My mother, who was a florist for twenty-five years, had wedding stories that would chill you to the bone, and she was herself unabashedly part of the process of the commodification of weddings. One bride insisted that all the flowers had to be purple. Nothing but purple. She insisted: purple, purple, purple. And then, the day after the wedding, called my mother to tell her that she had "ruined her wedding." Why? Because the flowers were…you guessed it…purple.
But I agree that family and guests are the worst. I actually know somebody who boycotted somebody else's wedding because she wasn't permitted to bring an entourage of people (five couples!) that the bride and groom HAD NEVER MET. And I once had a wedding planner, who I had never met, raise her voice AT ME because my wife wasn't home to answer a request to DRIVE TO ANOTHER CITY, that very day, without any notice, to help choose decorations for a friend's wedding.
Weddings make people insane, and I've rarely met a couple who enjoyed the experience. But, hey, it's not my business what other people want to do with $25,000. But I could buy about a THOUSAND decent bottles of wine with that, and still have enough left over to, you know, throw $5000 into aid for Burma. And people think Amanda and I are weird cause we're "not 'really' married".
Nice one Al! This one got forwarded to a few dear friends and family. I have to say, the older I get the less interested I am in a BIG DAY with the special toothpicks, napkins and exhausting attention. $25,000??? I can't begin to fathom blowing that on a single day... no wait, a few hours of food and entertainment. I choke when my 'night out' hits the $40 mark. I think I'll stick with the 'non-married' title a while longer. Or perhaps I'll start referring to myself as 'marriage-free'. I've already adopted the 'child-free' title as opposed to 'child-less'. Am I rambling? I think I'm rambling... keep it up girlfriend.
ReplyDeleteKudos Al. I myself have been involved in over 325 weddings and well, I don't think I have enjoyed one of them. Too many pressures, screaming matches and oh god the horrible dresses! Don't get me wrong, I love my job as a wedding carriage driver but really, having things planned to the second is not my idea of a nice relaxing wedding day. I will sit you down one day and tell you all about the wedding I did that was a surprise to the bride and when we rolled up with the white carriage and the white horses she flat out refused to get in and go to the church, instead she wanted to party with the bridesmaids on the "wedding bus". Or the time that the groom surprised the bride with a horse and carriage to take her to her reception in a grand entrance but had ruined her day (her words) by over planning things, yelling and making them 4 HOURS late for their own reception.
ReplyDeleteAl, you have my word that I will never impose on you the burden of my wedding day as it just ain't gonna happen! I think that we as single successful women should follow Carrie Bradshaw's footsteps from Sex and the City. We should register for our own "I'm not getting married wedding shower". Why should we, those who choose or have chosen for us not to have the big wedding day, miss out on all the presents. I know I make less than $25000 a year so a few "gifts" would be appreciated. You know, money towards a trip, household items, a new bed, car, house...the list goes on. What do you say Al, shall we go to Walmart and register?