I think William and Kate are trying to steal my thunder ...

Hello, blog readers? Are there any of you left out there? Have I lost you all as a result of my long, ridiculous absence? Well, it would serve me right, wouldn't it?

Even if any of you still have any desire to continue to read this blog, I know that you won't be reading it for a couple of days, because YOU, as PROUD CITIZENS OF THE WORLD, are surely overwhelmed with frenzied preparations for the celebration of WILLIAM AND KATE'S HISTORIC WEDDING. In approximately 5 hours (if you live in Toronto) you will have the privilege of witnessing this TRULY MAGICAL EVENT, and it will be forever remembered as THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE.

Meh. I think they're trying to steal my thunder.

As many of you know, I too am getting married this spring. I can only assume that the paparazzi presence and tabloid interest in my wedding will pick up after Kate and Will get their shindig over with. In order to allay any confusion that might ensue as a result of two such important weddings happening within a month of each other, I thought I would compile a handy reference guide so that everyone can keep them clear.

Similarities:
Purpose of wedding: Declaration of a lifelong commitment between two heterosexual human beings.
Season of wedding: Spring.
Wine: Yes.

Differences:
Guests: Will and Kate: 1900.
Alison and Jonathon: 90

Location: Will and Kate: Westminster Abbey/Buckingham Palace
Alison and Jonathon: Butterfly Conservatory (Cambridge, Ontario)

Animal Participation: Will and Kate: 186 horses (not including police horses.)
Alison and Jonathon: lots of butterflies and some tropical birds.

Transportation: Will and Kate: Rolls-Royce Phantom VI/ The 1902 State Landau Carriage
Alison and Jonathon: Mazda 5/hopefully bum a ride with someone heading to the Butterfly Conservatory for the wedding.


But here's the biggest difference, folks. I think that my wedding will lead to happiness. I'm not so sure theirs will. The happiest relationship will be put under tremendous pressure in circumstances like these.

Oh, I think they love each other. They both seem seem like perfectly kind, goodhearted people. And neither of them have ever donned a Nazi Uniform for a costume party. They are very rich, and will have lots of things done for them for the rest of their lives. I bet that they can book back massages whenever they want and can get tickets to any sold out concert and don't have to worry about what is or isn't covered on their dental plan.

But let's face it, their lives are going to be awful, and this wedding will just be the start of it. A 1900 person wedding means that there are probably going to be a maximum of 200 guests that the bride and groom actually feel close to, 1699 guests who are perfect strangers and (if the tabloids are to be believed) Kanye West. Seriously. Can you imagine?

"Yo, Will and Kate ... I'm happy for you, and Imma let you finish ... but Charles and Diana had one of the best weddings of all time!"

Oh yeah. Apparently this guy is coming too.

But it's not just the 1900 guests. Don't forget about the military, the police force, the undercover security, the throngs of spectators - all strangers. Add to that constancy of the television cameras and the inevitable public scrutiny ... and it's basically a description of my worst nightmare. Did I mention that Kanye West might be there?

I feel so sorry for these kids. As soon as they are married, they will make a trip to Canada, in order to glad hand another big bunch of strangers. Royal watchers are already eagerly awaiting the couple's first child (well, MALE child that is. Who cares that it's 2011 - the laws of succession have not changed, a boy still trumps a girl. If you get an heir AND a spare, so much the better!) They are too good looking to ever escape the media spotlight, and Kate will have to face critiques of her hair, her outfits, and of the placement of each pound on her body every time she steps outside. And finally, if they have any modicum of self-awareness or perception, they will be aware that, like no other time in history, their inherited positions in Britain and the world are losing relevance every minute.

So yes, their wedding will be very beautiful. I won't wake up early in the morning to watch the wedding, but I will search for pictures of their flowers and cake and, of course, Kate's dress when I do get up. And Jonathon and I may roll up to our wedding in our dog-fur-covered Mazda 5 rather than a gilt-edged horse-drawn carriage, but at least we know that our wedding will be full of friends and family that we actually know and like. And, more importantly, we are getting married because we are looking forward to how our lives will unfold after the wedding day. If I were Will and Kate, I would not feel so optimistic.

Here's to us, honey.