Monday, March 24, 2008

A Maighty-fayne Oddessy ... Making my way through Texas one Prepackaged Snack Cake at a Time.






I recently had the opportunity to spend a week in Texas, a state I had never visited before. The real purpose for the visit was to lead an International Baccalaureate teachers' workshop for four days. As my flight was paid for by the IB, I decided to explore Texas for a few days after the conference with my friend and coworker Melissa in the hopes of capitalizing on a cheap vacation opportunity. We didn't know what we would encounter, but we had a few goals; to spend our nights in my two person tent in state parks to keep costs down, and to spend time both on the Gulf Coast and in Mexico. In the end, we drove almost 1000 miles (that's 1600 kilometers for you metric-lovin' Canucks), listened to a lot of Johnny Cash and ate a LOT of gas station prepackaged snack cakes.

Before I left for Texas, I took stock of my preconcieved ideas about what Texas was like. They were as follows:

1.) Texas is hot and sunny and flat.
2.) People who live in Texas drawl.
3.) Everything is bigger in Texas.
4.) Texas is ragingly Republican.
5.) Texas simultaneously prides itself on its' gun culture and southern hospitality.

Deep, eh?

Well, after an exhaustive SEVEN DAY study of Texas, here are my reflections on my initial assumptions about the Lone Star State.

1.) Texas is hot and sunny and flat: TRUE ... SOMEWHAT. The weather and landscape of southern Texas is extremely varied, as is the weather (at least at this time of year.) At night we were downright cold once in a while, and once we had to tear down the tent at midnight and high tail it for a hotel due to 100 mph winds. (We learned the next morning that a tornado had touched down in the next town.) We experienced a torrential downpour, blistering sunshine and even saw a thunderhead develop, and drove through various desert and forest landscapes, flat plains and rolling hills. I would reccomend a drive across Texas to anyone interested in geography and/or varied topography... it is a ruggedly beautiful state.

2.) People who live in Texas drawl: TRUE. Not only did the people there drawl, but Melissa and I came back with hefty drawls of our own. It's true that we largely cultivated this ourselves for our own amusement, but when you drop those pesky consanants and draw out those vowels, everything is suddenly easier! Speaking with our Toronto accents now feels like some kind of post-face lift physiotherapy. The Texan accent also led to some funny misunderstandings; when asking for directions it took me a while to realize that I wasn't looking for a detour around a hospital, but rather the "DeTar Hospital."
3.) Everything is bigger in Texas: TRUE. Texas is a gigantic state - almost 24 million people live within its 300,000 sq. miles (metric-lovin' canucks ...700,000ish sqaure kilometers) - and everything within the state is sized to scale. I have never seen such big trucks and SUV's that are not part of a monster truck rally. (I seriously think that the state should just stop spending money on roads altogether as everyone is prepared to offroad at a moment's notice. Driving in Texas is like driving in a "Celebration of the Tank!" parade.) Any town with at least 15,000 people had a series of "big box" stores that truly lived up to the "big box" name. And the food ...the food was unreal. A small sweet tea is actually a gallon of syrup so thick that it is almost crunchy. One particular restaurant featured a baked potato stuffed with ... are you ready for this? A POT ROAST. I am not joking.

4.) Texas is ragingly Republican: UNDETERMINED. Certainly the four days I spent in Houston at the conference seemed to reinforce this idea; I made the mistake of watching both "The O'Reilly Report" and "Fox News," which is some of the most appallingly biased media coverage I have ever seen. One "anchor" actually punctuated a story about Obama with an eye-roll and a "sheesh!" But once we started talking to the locals, we often encountered sheepishness about the current government and an eagerness to point out to the Canadians that "We are ashamed of the mess we are in! We're not all Bush supporters!" We also saw a lot of paraphenalia supporting Hillary Clinton's campaign. Even in the very rural areas people seemed anxious to talk to the visiting Canadians about how upset and nervous they were about the future of their country, particularly with regards to the soldiers in Iraq and national healthcare.

5.) Texas simultaneously prides itself on its gun culture and and southern hospitality: TRUE. With the exception of one cranky gas station attendent, the locals we met were unendingly friendly and kind and open to conversation. At the same time were were amazed at some of the ATV's that we saw in state parks (specifically specified as NON hunting spaces) that were equipped with sharp-shooting seats on the top. All of the Wall Mart and Target stores have aisles upon aisles dedicated to guns - including a toy gun aisle in the children's section Everything that is for sale in Texas can be bought with a camoflage design: toothbrushes, Barbie dolls, school binders. EVERYTHING. We didn't see guns in cars, but we didn't go lookin' neither for fear of what we might find..

All in all, I enjoyed my trip. The small towns were much more enjoyable than the concrete jugle of Houston and walking across the border from Texas to Mexico was a real highlight. We met some lovely people and saw some truly beautiful sights. I don't reckon that I'd be headin' back anytime soon, but there are some maighty-fayne times to be had if you know where to look, y'all. (But I would still advise that you avoid them pot-roast potatos ... and them prepackaged snack cakes.)

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